I went out last night, into the crowded, buzzing and full of life Friday of Seville. As is so often the case, it was meant to be a quick one, an early night, just one or two and then back to the flat to kick back. Maybe a cheeky whisky to finish the night with a naughty hand roll cigarette.
That was my 100% honest intention.
It did not work out that way. A four in the morning stumble to bed is not what the doctor ordered. It was too many beers, too many people, too many smokes, too many whiskys. It was all too much to be honest. But when surrounded by so much beauty, it truly is quite difficult to say no. To say no to the beautiful buildings that beckon you out, to say no to the beautiful weather, so mild and warm halfway through October. To say to the beautiful people, perfectly dressed, polished and manicured.
And it is that last one that is the biggest challenge. Friends, friendliness and loneliness are an odd combination.
At one point I was introduced to a new group of people. It must have been some time after midnight, the times when you should know better and be better. However, after a few too many whiskys, it is difficult to be the mature person and the healthy person that I am very much trying very hard to be. Bad decision juice. So there I am, oldest guy at the table by at least a decade and a half, good mood juice flowing through my veins, and then introduced to a group of lively, beautiful, happy and well adjusted young women. Early twenties in all likelihood, I never asked out of pure politeness.
It was fun. It was enjoyable, but then came the silence, the objective mind inside the booze befuddled mind was able, just for a second, to see clearly. And what I saw was not pretty. What I saw was me, trying to be the me of my youth. That me no longer exists. I don't want to be the man who fools himself into being Mr Fun Times Man. No.
I want something more than just fun times and fun people. I need more than just fun.
I have no idea what exactly that is. I don't just want to replace her with a new her. But I really want her out of my head. Most people that I have spoken to just tell me to get over myself and just have random sex with young and beautiful women. Even my ex has told me as much. Something I consider to be one of the coldest things she has said to me. Like, seriously, how does she think that it is that easy for me, just go forth and fuck?! No thanks.
Again, that young man who would have easily tried the old fuck and bounce is not a person I will entertain.
So now I am stuck between a tug of war between brain and body and I have no idea where emotions lie in such a conflict. Are they dragging me towards my penis and its desire or are they dragging me to health and hopefully contentment. I have given up on happiness, I know too much now to fall for such childish pursuits of happiness. I have seen what lies on the other side of commitment: hard work, loss of love, resentment, betrayal, and if you're lucky, maybe the occasional Romcom on the couch.
But all things become mechanical unless you are truly lucky. And even in your good luck, one of you has to watch the one you love most, die and leave forever. There are no winners in this fucked up human race. Just those that did their best to compete like champs. And that is what I want, to raise my fists and give as good as I get from the opponent that is life.
Here I am, sitting at my desk, typing away and remembering that quickening of the pulse as I speak to a beautiful young lady, a person who is quick to laugh at my jokes, and beautiful enough to make me forget the loneliness and hardship of my current situation. The flush of rapidly beating heart, as new stands tall and beautiful with eyes that hold invitation of something I have not had in years. But then, it's over. I go to my bed, alone, with no one to share the despair of the meaninglessness of life and this endless universe, no one to share the art that is born of such conscious awareness of that awful and endless meaninglessness.
Here I am, sifting through thought and memory in hope that in some way, it will help me to heal.
