As the title suggests, last week was a bit of a back slider. Old habits and bad behaviours returned to my life. And to be quite honest, it was awesome. It was really comfortable getting baked again. In fact, by the weekend I was ready to go back to full perma-baked mode. It was so easy to slip right back into those old patterns of behaviour:
- 0900 cuppa and a spliff.
- 1000 work online interspersed with cuppas and spliffs.
- 1300 workout blunted.
- 1400 post workout shower and feeding followed by a spliff.
- 1500 - 1900 work online interspersed with cuppas and spliffs.
- 1930 clean, cook, smoke spliffs
- 2100 chill with telly and several spliffs.
That quite honestly was my life in Valencia for the last few years. In particular starting in the lockdown when my smoking really got out of hand.
The thing is, I love getting baked. It is so very comfortable and so easy to forget about all the work that needs to be done. The work I need to do on myself, mentally and physically, the work I need to do on my physical space in order to keep it clean and habitable, and finally the work that needs to be done in order to keep relationships with others clean and healthy.
It was the last part that was a major factor in the end of my marriage. I stopped doing the work because I was perma-baked for the last two decades of my life.
And for the last week I have toyed with the idea of sliding back into that well worn groove.
Partly it has been the change of season. Autumn and winter have always been my favourite bakage seasons. There is a special note that enters music and the soul when you bun up during the crisp mornings that greet every day. It sets the right tone for a creative tingly finger tip magic that drives creative thought. Art, music, literature all merge into metaphysical meaning and all things carry the magic of meaning one inch beyond reality.
The reality, however, is this: at this stage of my life, comfort without effort is dangerous. I cannot allow myself to backslide. I need to achieve a comfort as consequence of effort. Those childish escape mechanisms of my youth are problematic and I know know exactly where they lead. Biology is a cold motherfucker and in my view, a very good programmer. Biology has been on a drive to engineer the best energy solution mechanism: spend less, get more. Which means that all serves function, and that which does not slips away. Basically, use it or lose it. Which means that all things in your body, brain and life need to be exercised.
If you sit on anything, it will get fat. If you fail to burn off the fat, the fat will kill. This is true for your body, your brain or your relationships. Use it or lose it. You cannot afford to sit on any of them. Yes, I know, the dose defines the poison, as such, in all things let there be balance. The occasional zoot will not break me. However, I also know that having a baggy in my draw will also lead to old habits returning within less than a week.
So where does that leave me on the path away from being shit and working towards being awesome instead? To be honest, as I have been saying since I began this blog, I have no fucking clue. I don't know if I am closer to the beginning of this journey or nearer the end. Actually, I know I am nowhere near the end. I do not feel that I am anywhere near as awesome as I want to be. I want to the awesomest motherfucker I've ever met. The most awesome version of myself that is humanly possible and even then, I will try to be even more awesome.
Because the only other option is being shit. And I've done that. I am done with that. I do not want to be shit anymore. Being shit is easy. Being awesome is not.
Conclusion time, I guess. Simply put, one foot in front of the next is the best I can do for now. Yes, I fell off and spent a week wearing old and comfortable shoes, they were wonderfully familiar. But, I know that these shoes need to be put away and other shoes need to be worn in their place. Yes, I can take them out from time to time, to look at and perhaps fondly reminisce, but the past needs to be left if I have any hope of a better future. You cannot find newer, better shoes, if you keep on relying on the old pair that are gradually eroding your knees and ankles, ready to leave you incapable of ever even walking. Yes, getting high this week has been awesome, but it does not help me progress down the path towards awesomeness. It is a complete hinderance.
