Not much to say today.
I watched some horror films last night, you know, Halloween style shit. It was fun. Drank beer, smoked weed, talked shit. Oh yeah, that's right, I am not supposed to be doing that anymore, the whole weed smoking thing that is. However, it could simply be a case of Dose Defining Poison. Or, as a new friend suggested, maybe I should unclench a little bit.
So let me interrogate a few things.
First, making friends over 40. Holy fucking shit and balls Batman, this is difficult. Seriously, how the fuck do you make friends over the age of 40? Pre-marriage, friend making was easy, organic and fun. Now I have trust issues, I am cynical and hard edged and on a very disciplined path in life. These are, or at least so I am told, not the best qualities to have when it comes to making friends.
Then there is the very idea of friendship itself. What does it even mean over a certain age? For example, in your teens and twenties friends were easy. You went to school with them or university. You had shared interests and hobbies: music, drugs and partying. You spent time together doing those things and then became friends by default.
Now, friends are no longer people to simply do stuff with. I need support, advice, a person to share inner thoughts with, a shoulder on which to lean on in the dark times or perhaps a shoulder to clap warmly in laughter during the good times. Co dependent friendships centered on booze, substances, or brain addictions (sport / religion / politics) are slightly problematic at my age and at this stage of my life. Friendship is so much more to me now than simply having fun and doing stuff together that fills time.
Then there is the baggage. We all have it. I know I certainly fucking do. How do you let a stranger in for long enough to care about helping them carry their baggage and to allow them to help you carry yours? I have trust issues weighing me down and I have no clue how to trust anyone that wants to help me carry my baggage. Johannesburg taught me to doubt well-intentioned people. Seriously, anyone who is nice to you in Johannesburg 9 times out of 10 has some self serving agenda attached. Unless you grew up together and formed the bonds forged in the trenches of surviving that city.
So, I am simply trying to unclench. To give myself a longer leash. I am not very good at it. I have kept the leash short because I do not have much in the way of self control. This is evidenced by the years of substance abuse that plagued my adolescence and most of my early adulthood. Cannabis was both a support and a crutch through getting over the properly bad substances.
But then it too became a properly bad substance for my mental and physical health. As mentioned in a previous post, it was my love affair with Mary Jane that was a significant factor in the collapse of my marriage.
Let us now talk about learning how to unclench. How to lean back and simply enjoy again. Yes, you are right, I have major difficulties in enjoying the simple things. What gave away the fact that I am a chronic over thinker? Was it the absence of hair burnt away by incessant over thinking of all things in my life?
It being pay day at the end of 2 months of a 7 day work week, interspersed with 6 day workout schedule and many days of excessive drinking and smoking, I rewarded myself with a small baggy. It is here in my desk draw and I have been thinking about the hold that green has had over my life. When I woke up this morning, a public holiday in Spain, I slowly got ready for some online teaching. I made myself a cuppa, and almost on automatic, wanted to skin up a pinner.
It was as natural as breathing. I didn't, but I am amazed as to how quickly that thought process returned after 2 months of not smoking. So now I am sitting here, talking to strangers online between writing this blog and stopping myself from making that first joint. I guess that is progress. Dose defines poison.
I guess it's time to wrap this all up, put a pretty bow on it and try to extract some meaning. I guess life is what it is, a constant and never ending work in progress. It is unpredictable and if you play it on easy settings, you probably won't get better at it. Life throws you curve balls and you need to adapt. I am going to finish my self imposed work day on a public holiday, hit a nice workout sesh later, do some yoga, squeeze out the poison and then at the end, not the beginning as I once was doing, I will skin up a pin up, not drink beer for the first time in months, listen to some music, smoke a pinner and un fucking clench. I am quite looking forward to be honest.
