Finally, if she were to pass, she would pass with me in the worst place of my life. Failure in your early years is easy enough to overcome. Just work. Failure at the age of 40 gives you quite bit less time to correct.
The thing is, my mother always believed in me. 90% of my over inflated sense of self worth is due to my mother's unwavering belief in me. She always told me I was special and I foolishly believed her. For some fucked up reason I still do. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. I firmly believe that my surviving the bad drug years was down to her. Most other members of my family had had enough and were far beyond being ready to sever all ties. She believed in me and that belief helped my to overcome the bone deep tendrils of addiction.
But I did it. I stopped everything but the green and the booze.
All that accomplished was denial of the ultimate collapse of my marriage as I statically watched my world crumble around me, too stoned to care or even to do anything to halt the collapse.
In no uncertain terms, I am a complete mess. And although this may be true, I am not going to quit, despite thinking about it, I will not give up. I am far too Jozies to ever drop fists. Fuck that shit. Life is for fighting.
However, I am starting to run out of steam.
It has been one long motherfuck of a year and it still isn't done kicking a prick when he's on the floor.
Time to hold on more tightly than ever to the 3 Ws.
Working out
Today I trained for the first time in 3 weeks. For the first two weeks, I skipped working out because I was sick. Not training at first was shit. But then I got used to sleeping, which was nice. Then last week Monday and Wednesday were holidays. Monday I trained, Tuesday I trained. Wednesday I got high, Thursday lazy and Friday stoned. Then today I woke up in the bleak. All of it was weighing me down. So I trained to pull middle finger and tell life to go fuck itself.
It was great. Muscle burning fantasticness. The yoga at the end was perhaps the best. I really got to wrestle with myself, deep dive my thoughts and unstitch the bleak. Training really does release the best kind of brain drugs.
Work
Work is work. It is the bar you set yourself. I want to be awesome at all things, so I set the bar high for myself. In my one class this has really challenged me. That is because I have an autistic student in my one group. I do not have any experience or qualification when it comes to teaching special needs students. In fact, I have to shamefully admit my frequent use of the r word. I would go so far as to say that my generation grew up with almost zero sensitivity towards those with special needs.
That said, I have struggled with this group of students and have frequently second, third and forth guessed my work in this regard. Then came exam day today. I was concerned. Having worked with this child for 3 months I had serious misgivings regarding his ability to sit an exam for 90 minutes.
I am worse than the worst for doubting this student. He rocked the shit motherfucker. Kid got 75% on the paper. Fuck fucking yes.
You have to hold on to whatever ws you can.
Writing
I am making headway with my new novel. I have put my last WIP on the backburner. It needs to be overhauled from top to bottom or entirely revisited. It has such a fantastic premise and a wealth of source material in terms of my online teaching experience. However, the entire idea needs to shift focus completely.
My new WIP is a turd, a steaming pile of tinsel tainted turd. I fucking love it. No more to be said for now in this regard. I am enjoying writing it is the most important thing and I am happy to own it.
There you are. I am sorry for being such a downer king. I am quite bored with circling the drain already. Swings and round abouts motherfucker, I guess. The important thing is to never take your eyes off the prize, and for now it is to relentlessly and unquitingly strive forward on the path away from being shit towards the unreachable goal of being awesome instead.
Here I am, trudging forward, still stuck in the muddy beginning bits, the bits most likely to make you give up and quit. But don't give up. I can't promise that it gets better. Maybe it doesn't. But that shouldn't be the motivation. The motivation is to be as awesome as possible. If reward comes in the form of acknowledgement, recognition, fame, fortune, satisfaction, love, anything, if reward comes, so be it. But let not reward be motivation. Let the struggle towards awesomeness be the reward. Whether it is awesomeness in work, in body, in mind, in writing, in music or in art, let all of these facets of awesomeness be the destination.
The sound of today was Mazzy Star Fade into You, mainly because I like to dwell and it reminds me of her. I guess I need to let her go before I can move on. And I guess by saying that, I haven't let go yet.
