I am still carrying a huge amount of hurt, but it no longer feels like at any moment it will spill over into uncontrolled tears and graceless mucus.
Now comes the search for happiness. Whatever the fuck that means. So lets go for it.
To start, I need to engage with something that has been floating around my head. On Christmas day I phoned my ex. I know, dumb dumb shit. Still, in a moment of weakness I wanted to speak to her. So I called. It did not go well. Somehow the entire conversation made me feel so much worse. Bottom line is this, she asked me if I was someone else, would I want to be with me.
It was a powerful question. One that has been weighing heavily on my mind.
To answer truthfully: no. I would not want to date myself. Which leads to the next question, how many people do consider themselves positively in light of such a question?
I have never been my own biggest fan. I am highly critical of myself, of my thoughts and my actions. It drives my on my journey, maybe that is unhealthy, maybe not, I have no idea.
I do know that this was a very difficult question to answer and it remains incredibly challenging. That is good. Why play life on easy setting?
Cool, so how do I get there? How do I become someone I would want to date? Fuck me, sounds weird to say out loud. "Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me so hard."
Weird.
Here is the challenge I guess: how to overcome cynicism and move towards self love. These things are so alien and foreign to me. As a kid who grew up Catholic, self love was very much frowned upon, especially when done in public. In fact, generally speaking, any sense of self value often bordered an arrogance or ego that go against so much of who I am. However, given that who I am resulted in the collapse of my marriage, maybe who I am is in need of analysis and growth.
If someone had asked me this question one year ago, the answer would have been different. If someone had asked me this question 20 years ago, I was so full of self confidence that the answer would have certainly been different. But now with my self confidence at an all time low, I would have to say, no. No I would not date me.
When self has been defined by other for so long, how do you return back to yourself? How do you find yourself? And, in a non weird way, how do you love yourself?
I was speaking to a friend about this online. She asked me if I thought I would find love and start dating in 2022. I said no to love but yes, I want to start dating myself. She laughed, not really understanding the full context of what I meant. And yes, it is funny to say, but I really do want to learn how to love myself in the scarred and shattered landscape of my post marriage reality.
And the only way I really know how to do this is through work. Being productive has had a very positive effect on my sense of self worth. Exercise is the next one. Nothing quite like a good old sweat session to get the brain to release some of them lekker brain drugs. Finally there is writing. The ultimate form of free therapy.
So here's to 2022, the year in which I finally started to crest the hump, and on the other side is a new journey. A journey towards the invisible and ever moving destination of happiness. I've always struggled with happiness. I have often mistaken drugs and sex for happiness. They are not the same. I have mistaken food for happiness. And recently I mistook contentment for happiness. Similar, but not the same. Now, with eyes no longer clouded by her, or by some other her, I am looking once again for happiness. This time, my mind is more flexible so if happiness comes in a shape I had not pre ordered or pre defined, hopefully, I will be prepared to catch it, even if it is for but a fleeting and passing moment of a temporary now.
