I am trying really hard to maintain my positive outlook. I have turned over a new leaf, yet still, my darkness shines through. Work is the hardest place to stay upbeat, shiny and happy. Take today for example. It was a colleague's birthday, he had bought chocolates for the staff to share. Sweet, I know. But, I am starting the path to awesome with my body. I want my body to be as healthy as my mental health. The beer and smokes do not fucking help, that much is for certain. Two days ago, I pushed my training a bit too far and tweaked my right leg, so today I had to skip training. That sucked! Which brings me to the wonderful gesture of the chocolates. I said no due to the fact that I want my rippedness to shine through baggy clothes even. One of the teachers I went out and had a few beers with told me that is the reason I'm such a depressed fellow, because all I do is work and exercise.
I told him, I am not depressed! I am a shiny and happy effervescent sort of chap.
He laughed.
This was challenging to say the least!!! I thought I was was putting my best foot forward, yet no matter how far forward said foot is placed, my darkness seems to get there first. I honestly thought I was doing a better job at healthily processing it, through writing and exercising than I am in fact doing.
It was quite a firm reminder that I have so much more work to do!
Then I had a private lesson with one of the most amazing students I have had the good fortune of being able to work with. An artist who is beautiful inside and out. She makes me feel good about myself and I make her laugh. A joyful laugh free from darkness. It feels so good. She makes me feel good. An hour feels like a minute in her presence!
But then that joy filled hour ends and I have to go home. This means a ten minute walk through life filled happy streets of couples, families and beauty. And I am confronted by this painful truth: all I can do is think of her and her radiant beauty and then I know, she is not thinking of me.
No one is.
I am walking to an empty apartment of me, myself and my dark edged thoughts.
No one really cares. Why should they? Am I worthy of being thought of in any way?
Probably. But how do you find that person who thinks of you when you are not around? It was so much easier in youth, but post 40, it becomes increasingly challenging. Impossible? No. Hopefully.
This is my journey which I am documenting, from a place of bleak self loathing towards a place where I can define my value, where I can define myself, where I can love myself and maybe someone else.
I want that very much. I want to love and I want to be loved. However, I am concerned that my hard edged survival defined persona is a stumbling block to letting anyone close or in. It is an awful tightrope upon which I find myself. On either side of me, there are dizzying depths of darkness waiting to swallow me and there I am, refusing to fall, refusing to quit and refusing to give up my quest to find myself outside of the certainty of a twenty yearlong relationship that I was responsible for ending because of my darkness, my anger and my hard edges.
Now that I have said it, now that I have expressed it, it is no more or less difficult to move forward. Stagnation is not an option. Loneliness is my companion for now and hopefully I can find myself to be my guide out. And once out, hopefully I can find a place where that someone who thinks of me when I am not around can be found. But I cannot use that person as a compass. There are no compasses. There are no randomly aligned stars in the sky to guide me home.
I am my compass.
I just hope I am not so far gone that my internal compass is of no use at all.
To conclude, even in the face of clearly confronted challenges to growth, I cannot give up. Not now. I am not as close to being internally happy enough for it to show on the outside, but that cannot stop me from trying to get to that place. I just kinda wish I knew how to get there and be happy.
