"In with the positive, out with the negative". This is a breathing pattern that I first learned about in my twenties when I was too young for it to have any meaning. I cannot remember who shared it with me, but it was intended to help me cope with stress. Yurp, how droll. Stress in your twenties. Well, in my twenties. I had no idea what stress was. I was perma-baked. Nonetheless, the breathing exercise has been with me ever since.
I have been using it a lot lately. That is mainly because I have been having a really hard time sleeping. I then realised that it went even further.
I realised that I have been dwelling. Wallowing even. The negative has been a comfortable blanket with which I wrapped myself. It has kept me warm and snug as I have processed where my life is right now. I now want to put down the negative. I want to breath in the positive.
So what are these positives, how do I hold onto them, follow them and surround myself with them? In short, how do I become positive again?
Well, short answer is I have no fucking clue, but I am going to try my hardest to get there.
Let's start small.
First I have this, my keyboard, my PC, an apartment with electricity and the internet. This immediately puts me into a better position than a huge majority of my fellow South Africans. I have been using my set up to guarantee a regular source of income. Some of which I have spent wisely: paying bills, debts and buying food. These are all good things that I must remember and hold on to as cause for optimism. They may seem minor if you've never been hungry or never known anyone who has suffered hunger. Some of my income has been spent poorly: alcohol. tobacco, and the occasional bag 'o green.
Additionally, I have my writing. While my writing has gotten me nowhere in terms of getting published, it has allowed my a chance to logically process and express these deep and turbulent emotions roiling beneath the surface. Many of the friendships I have struck up here in Seville have been fun friends. And as such, it is never really appropriate to be a downer king and talk about my feelings. But still, there is positives to be taken from fun friends or firm friends. Human interaction is a positive. That in addition to the endless humans I get to engage with on a daily basis, all of whom offer a unique insight into the human condition I would not have had had I been successful in getting published prior to this point.
So that is work and the writing. Then there is the work out.
Exercise has been a major aid in moving away from being shit down the path towards awesome. I split up my training session between upper and lower body session mixed up with core and cardio. Then there is the yoga. Oh how past me would mock and ridicule present me for becoming a Yoga-vangelist. I fucking love the stuff. You vs you. It is the best way to get inside my head and squeeze out thoughts and feelings deep beneath the surface.
Finally, there is one foot in front of the next and sheer stickatitness. I would love to quit. In fact every day I am faced with the desire to throw in the towel. I refuse to. I will allow those thoughts their voice, so that I can shine light on them and as such identify them as not being a logical option. I refuse to allow life to beat me.
That leaves me with a simple path ahead: "breathe in the positive. breathe out the negative" every second of every day. Embrace whatever few positives there are, hold on to them and use them to make new connections and pathways towards yet more positivity. For me, I will follow the path of the 3 Ws: Work, Work Out, Write.
This is probably not the path for everyone, but it is my path and I walk it, looking about and engaging with whatever beauty my mind can take in.
Today's writing soundtrack: Prefuse 73, Vocal Studies + Uprock Narratives
