The path to awesomeness is paved with uneven stones. Stumbling on these hidden stones is inevitable. What is not inevitable is picking yourself up, dusting yourself and starting again, even if it means starting from the beginning. Playing life on easy mode is unlikely to make you better.
This week has not been great. It's fucking Tuesday. The fuck?
Needless to say, this week has not gotten off to the best of starts. In fact, more than once I've stared myself down in the mirror, banishing all thoughts of giving up. Those thoughts have been loud of late. Then she called. We spoke. It hurt. As it always hurts now.
This darkening shift to winter has been a challenge. I find myself increasingly longing for my home. My space and my routines. And us, our space, our house and our routines. Most of all, our dogs. That is the area that I am struggling the most with. My four stupid dogs. I love them so very much and I miss them even more.
I even began fantasising about a return, a reunion and a final sorry, let's try this again.
Then she called today and that band aid was rather unceremoniously torn right the fuck off.
I love her and I want her to be happy, but fuck off if I want her to have all those things before I do! I am fucking selfish like that. Fuck her! I want her to feel my pain, to have my pain, to hold my pain and to know my pain in every visceral way.
But I love her, and I want her to be happy. I can no longer behave in the manner of child. Not anymore.
Then, because of course, I am sick for the first time in over two years. It has been less than ideal. The most frustrating consequence has been the absence of exercise while my body gets over this buuuuuullshit. Without the challenging of working on my body, my mind has filled the vacuum with thoughts and thinking and thinking and thoughts.
Yes, I know, I need to process and I cannot compartmentalise my feelings, but for fuck's sake! I am fucking so goddamned tired. I want this part to be over so I can keep powering forward.
So where does that leave me? Hopefully this is the bottom of the downward swing. And even if it isn't, that changes nothing. Everyday is an opportunity to practice awesomeness and being awesome. So today, I cannot workout, but I can work. And most of all, I can write. So, today, much as any other day, I will do what I can to the best of my abilities and wait on that which I cannot do and do it when I can.
Biologically engineered bodies and minds are governed by the simple rule: use it or lose it. If you do not use it, it gets fat. If you do no train the fat away, the fat will kill. It will kill bodies, brains and relationships. Relationships with self and relationships with other. So get up, get moving, work, workout and write you positive motherfucker!
